Stocking Up Some Memories For A Rainy Day

You know What I'm talking about: those cheery memories of random people doing certain things: a little boy at Disney World playing with his Stitch plushy while waiting to get on the Pirates ride, a little kid trying to get a cinnamon roll off at buffet that's twice as tall, a dad jumping on a trampoline with his kids... that sort of thing.  And you don't even know the people, but you just remember those moments in time when you're feeling desperate for a little sunshine.

Sometimes it's just nice to know that there's still some sugar left in the corners of an empty dessert tray.  Sometimes I'll catch a really good song that I like a lot on the radio, but I don't know what the song is or who wrote the song, I just know that I like the lyrics.

Then you have those days where all you want is a big hug.  From anyone.  Then there are those days that you feel that way, and everyone is arguing and angry at each other and all you want to do is scream.  But you know that you shouldn't scream.  Or cry or yell or kick or punch or roll on the ground in anger.  You just stand there, hoping you can hold yourself together a little longer.  You look around but all you can see is a big gray wall.  You try to break down the wall but it's too thick.  Only God can save you now.  You start praying hard.  You pray harder.  You pray that your prayer are audible to God.  You pray that everything will turn out right.  You know that only after it rains is a rainbow able to appear.  You can't wait for it all to end.  But it won't end.  It continues.  You battling the wall; or is it the wall battling you?  You can't tell anymore.  After being exposed to this great wall for so long, you've developed calluses and scars, some of which only you can see.  Your sleep is restless some nights and other nights, you fall asleep and awake, what feels like twenty minutes later, and it's morning.  You've become like a rock, getting tougher each time you are exposed to that wall.  You feel like this has become routine.

But one day you wake up and it's gotten much, much worse.  The wall is collapsing on top of you and you can't stand up anymore.  You fall to your knees, your face; you cry out for mercy.  You are getting buried in a heap of garbage.  Your life is caving in right on top of you.  Suddenly, a sound!  A sweet sound!  Someone is picking up the stones and throwing them to the side to uncover you.  They pull you to your feet and dust you off.  You've defeated the wall, you think, but really it was only the beginning.  It happens again and again and again.  You are so sick and tired.  Soon you find yourself burrowing deeper in the heap of bricks and concrete just so that you don't have to do this all over again.  You just want to die inside of the garbage.  You don't care if you make it to heaven or not; you just want it to be all over now.  You want to be free of the wall.  When will it end?  Only God knows.

It's on these sorts of days that you pull out all of the files in your brain that contain anything positive.  But you pull the files out and they all are blank.  You can't see anything through your pain.  You pull out the negative memories and you can see them as if they happened yesterday.

No one's effort can stop the wall from consuming you.  You shout in anger.  You say, "Help me God!  Catch me!  I'm falling."  you can't drop farther under the rubble.  Can somebody please end this?  You don't want to get up again.  You don't want to try for fear that you will fail once again.  You don't want to see the light any longer, all you've seen is darkness.  You don't want to see that wall anymore.  You would rather squander about in the pieces of junk than face the wall again.  There you stay.  People see you and try to pull you out and eventually you give in to their pleas and try again.  But you don't want to.  You're getting weaker now.  You think about how strong you were before, but now that you've been over exposed to the torture of the wall you start to feel weary.  You've tried so hard.

But wait!  The wall is weakening!  If you try again you might defeat the wall!  It gets weaker, and weaker and; what do you know?  it's gone!  You've finally won.